In ancient Greece, citizens would engage in regular debate. Armed with their knowledge and logic, citizens would gather together at a venue to compare skills and to decide upon what was true. Participants would choose a topic and argue it with every tactic available. The loser of the debate was identified as ill-equipped, which was a sign that his logic had failed him. The defeated person might take the public shaming as a sign of needing to improve his game. He could then take the opportunity to learn to argue from a better standpoint.
Gifted children can tend to engage in arguments with a similar goal, and with a comparable perspective on wins and losses. As much as we want to keep pace with our gifted children, even the most supportive and enthusiastic parent can run out of the energy necessary to continue in a debate with their gifted child – or can run out of answers for a stream of never-ending questions.
While it shows respect toward the child to try a rational explanation whenever possible, parents also need tactics for putting an end to the debate. Without parents present to ensure that the child possesses ability to adhere to social rules, the gifted child can end up having an even more difficult time conforming to the demands of adulthood.
The Highs and Lows of Arguments With Gifted Children
For the gifted child, arguing is often a sincere attempt to discern how the world works. Those with a higher IQ tend to see the world in a different light. Many times, that light produces a perspective which is different than what the average person sees. It can be very frustrating for the gifted child to be operating in a world which does not place the same emphasis on reasoning that he or she does. It can be frustrating for the parent as well, particularly if such parent does not share the child’s giftedness.
Gifted children tend to look to their parents as mentors and can be disappointed by the lack of provided explanations. They may dismiss the unknowledgeable – or illogical – parent as an unreliable source of input.
Along with the danger of appearing inept to a gifted child, a parent may also be unwittingly contributing to the gifted child’s lack of social skills. Through conflict, not only is the gifted child learning what about this world is immutable, he or she may also be learning how to use the influence of argument as a manipulation tactic. The power of rational debate can become a tool for getting one’s way, particularly if the results are too often that the parent gives in to the child.
Productive argument provides the gifted child with the benefits of increased knowledge, as a healthy debate should. The importance of the parent intervening when the argument crosses the line into a negative or critical disagreement is crucial. It is an important task for the parent to work toward ensuring that the child understands that some rules need to be followed, and that the parent has the ultimate authority in the matter.
Parents will be better equipped for this inevitable battle if they gain an understanding of effective methods of participation in argument. The following are two – of the many – techniques to use.
Tactic #1: Admit You Don’t Know
The parental phrase of, “because I said so!” is more often than not interpreted by the gifted child as a rational loss. The parent who utters such phrase has resorted to logical fallacy, and is utilizing an appeal to authority. While it is true that the parent has authority to set rules, the gifted child is often seeking an explanation for why the rule has been established, not for identification of who established it. Declaration of authority in setting the rule does not provide the appropriate response to the inquiry.
As unreasonable as the ideal is, parents are often expected to know all the appropriate answers to all the asked questions. In these scenarios, there exists a human temptation to reach for answers, or to stumble through a half-baked explanation rather than to admit defeat. As a way of approaching an area of ignorance, parents may be better off saying, “I don’t know.”
Parents who admit that they do not know why something is the case can foster a measure of respect from the child. Not only does it put an end to speculation, but there is no logical rebuttal toward the statement. Any show of disrespect toward the parent for this simple admission of ignorance, and the child is the one who has strayed into fallacy.
Personal attacks toward the parent is a sign that the child has resorted to using argumentation as a manipulation, rather than as a learning tool. This calls for a different sort of interaction.
Tactic #2: Emphasize Social Order
Einstein is famously quoted as saying, “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity…and I’m not sure about the former.” In spite of holding this perspective about humanity, Einstein still conformed to enough social norms to be able to function in an effective manner. If it was good enough for Einstein to participate in civil society, it certainly can be good enough for our gifted children.
Some rules are established not necessarily because they make rational sense, but because a society functions best under common guidelines. Why does a child have to attend school five days a week? Because that is what our society has established as a norm. Why does a child have to go to bed by nine at night? Because doing so is what provides enough sleep to enable the continuation of the societal norm of attending school at eight in the morning.
While appealing to the norm can raise questions about the applicability of such norms, questioning them does not erase their impact on our societal functioning, and can provide a parent with a solid platform for requests.