The social struggles of gifted children are often caused, not by the children themselves, but the society in which they live where certain behaviors are expected. Non-gifted peers, teachers and other adults find it difficult to accept a child who exhibits high intelligence along with personality or behavioral quirks.
Gifted students are intense, emotional and sensitive. They seek detailed information and can obsess over certain subjects that interest them greatly. They get excited and ask a lot of questions or go to great lengths to explain a topic that they have come to know very well.
This intensity is viewed by peers as being “nerdy” or trying to show off in class. But the gifted student doesn’t know that his or her behavior is being looked at as being different or unacceptable. The gifted child is living in an uneducated society that doesn’t know how to respond.
As a parent, you can help your child understand what giftedness is and how special your child is. You can explain how your child is different and why other children react the way they do. You can talk with teachers and school officials to explain why your child acts the way she does. You can try to balance, reduce or eliminate the negative impact of peers and educators who unwittingly causing your child anxiety.
When children hide their giftedness
When a gifted child is looked at as being arrogant, and when the child realizes the negative reaction from peers, the result is a “dumbing down” in an effort to fit into the group. This is unfortunate and is an ongoing problem in many of today’s schools.
The tendency to hide one’s gifts has been compared with a gifted athlete who might react to similar peer pressure by performing poorly on the field or on the track in an effort to “not stand out.” This really doesn’t make much sense unless you consider the power of peer pressure.
The reaction of teachers and other adults has similar impact. The gifted child can become a source of irritation at home or in school with aberrant or annoying behavior. If a gifted child corrects a parent or teacher, the child can be seen as disrespectful. The reality is that the child is driven toward high accuracy of information and perfection in problem solving. There is no disrespect intended.
The more you learn about giftedness, the more ready you will be to recognize and understand your child’s behavior as well as their psychological and emotional needs. You can find ways to help your child explore areas of interest and develop those talents on his own. You can also help improve their self-image and confidence.
The lonely search for friends
The gifted child with anxieties and social struggles has a tough time finding friends. Since giftedness occurs in 1-2% of the population, the odds are low that a gifted child will find a like-minded friend his or her own age.
Gifted students are sometimes put into accelerated or advanced programs in school where they may find children who are brighter than other students. In this setting, the gifted children at least get to spend some study time with other students who appreciate learning.
You may want to talk to other parents about their children in an effort to find children with interests similar to your own children. You can explore activities after school or outside of school where your child could participate and share the experience with other children.
These activities might involve sports of some kind, or artistic expression, music or drama, reading or writing groups, or science groups focused on physical, earth or life areas of study. They might involve social groups like the Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts, camping groups, or religious groups. Any of these would help your child become more socially experienced and more self-confident.
Moving to a school for the gifted
Some gifted students are transferred by their parents to a school for the gifted. Here is where the children will find total acceptance by teachers and administrators as well as a specially designed curriculum.
Programs are designed to encourage discovery and exploration and to accommodate diverse interests and talents. Teachers are trained to understand the whole child and provide a supporting and nurturing environment.
Learning and interacting among like-minded peers who may share personality traits and common obsessions, gifted children find less rejection and stress and are motivated. In private schools for the gifted and talented, education is student-centered and individual, but involves group participation, too.
Students are paired with other students of similar education level and asynchronous rate of development, rather than those of similar age. By involving students with similar tastes, interests as well as concerns, the education process allows real friendships to become established and last long after leaving school.
Work on social skills with your child
There are many things you can do as a parent to help your child improve his or her social skills. Here are a few:
- Arrange play dates or find opportunities for your child to play with other gifted children you have identified.
- Teach basic social skills like smiling more often, making eye contact, and asking questions of the other person to show interest.
- Discus the importance of personal space
- Teach how to listen attentively and speak slowly enough to be understood.
- Practice using the telephone.
- Rehearse how to introduce yourself to others.
- Teach sharing of interests.
- Provide more advanced opportunities as the child grows, like bands or orchestras, or drama schools and performances.
- Look for online, socially networked advocacy groups.
- Investigate summer enrichment programs.
- Fin other families of gifted children online and inquire into possible .overlapping travel or vacation opportunities.
- Check our Mensa, an international program to help gifted people find and meet one another.
- Teach your child about different personalities like the withdrawn and shy people vs. the gregarious and outgoing kind; they each have different ways of socializing, and your child can be taught to recognize them and how they might act.
- Teach your child that people have lots of differences, and some people are more easily hurt than others. This is natural. Disagreements and misunderstandings should be worked out openly and not allowed to ruin friendships or relationships.
By working with your gifted children at younger ages to explain why they are different and what to expect in their social world, you will prepare them mentally and emotionally to coexist with others. By finding outside opportunities for further social interaction as they grow into their teen years and beyond, you will ensure their continued acceptance and approval in a society that finds it so difficult to recognize the importance of giftedness.
