You want your child to do well in school, to have good friends and role models, and to grow into adulthood as a successful and happy person, achieving all the goals he or she set along the way.
That is assuming goals were set – and set by the child.
Why should it be the child who sets the goals early on and not the parents? Surely a father or mother knows what’s best for their children and can steer them in the right direction? But goal-setting has the most value when the child does it.
Helping your children set their own goals teaches them many things, starting with responsibility. Achieving goals gives children self-confidence. It teaches them how to handle success as well as setbacks (when they fall short of some of those goals).
If handled right, failure is a great teacher. Abraham Lincoln is a good example. He failed miserably at many attempted jobs before he found the one that fit him and the one we remember him for. He learned from adversity and he learned to be resilient.
Your children can learn this resiliency and how to bounce back after experiencing some shortcoming or roadblock. They can learn to persevere in their pursuit of goals, and learn to never give up – an important life principle.
They can learn how to check on how they are doing by creating checkpoints along the way. They learn how to break up larger, long-term goals into shorter milestones. And they learn to manage their time along the way to make sure they achieve those milestones.
Parents can make the mistake of setting goals for the child and then bringing a lot of stress and anxiety into the child’s life by demanding too much, perhaps being unrealistic in their expectations.
If a child doesn’t “buy in” to the goals in the first place, there is no personal commitment or investment in the time and effort needed. Plus, the child does not get the personal satisfaction of achievement if the goal was set by someone else.
So how do you as a parent get involved with goal setting for kids? What are the guidelines you should consider when discussing goals? What should you be looking for to make sure the goals are set reasonably? How will you know if your children are on the right path in achieving those goals?
Let’s take a look at some goal-setting tips.
Make the goals S.M.A.R.T.
SMART is an acronym that has been used to help someone set goals. It stands for Specific, Measurable, Adjustable, Realistic, and Timely. Goals that are vague or do not have these characteristics will not be very effective.
Goals need to be specific. Rather than say “I want to meet new students,” a better goal would be “I will ask one new student to have lunch with me on each Monday of next month.” This goal meets the requirements of SMART and is more likely to succeed.
Although goals should be realistic, they should also be just out of reach. A goal should require some effort and should take the child out of her comfort zone. If the goal is too far out, it can be “adjusted” and brought back a little bit.
There are other characteristics that can be added to the SMART ones to increase chances of success in meeting goals. These could be called WHAM goals: Write it down, find someone to Help, make the goal Actionable, and if possible, Model the goal for your child.
Recent studies have found that when students write out their own goals, they become more likely to achieve them. Writing down a goal gets the child involved in the process and actually allows him to write a contract with himself that will keep reminding him of what he has agreed to work on.
Children can look at their goals to make sure they are realistic and can be measured over time. Parents should make sure the goals are believable and not unrealistic and so big that they cannot possibly be reached. Big goals can perhaps be replaced by smaller, shorter-term goals leading up to the bigger ones.
These shorter goals can be looked at as milestones or checkpoints and can provide valuable feedback when measuring progress toward goals.
Goals should be realistic and age-appropriate. They should have meaning for your child and therefore should be set by him or her.
Reaching goals will require hard work, maybe experiencing disappointments along the way, and so the journey can be a little easier if a support person is available to help. That can be a friend or classmate, teacher, coach – or even parent – who can be there for reassurance or assistance when needed.
Goals should be actionable rather than linked to circumstance and something that can be controlled. Rather than saying “I will not get angry at my brother (or sister),” it would be better to say “I will play with my brother (or sister) for a half-hour every day this week.”
Modeling a goal is always helpful. If the goal is to introduce yourself to one new person every week, it would be good to see that being done. Parents can be the model when they introduce themselves and their children to new neighbors or anyone coming to a party they are hosting.
When things go wrong
Best laid plans can sometimes go awry. What should you do in these cases? First of all, you may want to mention similar problems you had in reaching your own goals or a setback or two you have experienced. This will help your child realize it’s OK to make a mistake or come up short once in a while. You will survive and prosper. The sun will still come up tomorrow.
You and your child should discuss the goals that were set. Were they too big or unrealistic? Can they be modified or broken into smaller goals? If so, let your child decide what those new goals should be.
Compliment or applaud your child on the effort she has put in so far. Congratulate the child on going through the planning process. This will provide a boost in self-esteem and bolster her resolve in re-engaging her energy and focus on the new goals. Recognize and reward any achievements thus far.
New, smaller goals may provide a better chance to experience success and reward the child for her decision to set goals in the first place.
As a parent who wants your child to succeed, you should always be on the lookout for opportunities to ask your child to set goals. If you hear him say “I wish I could …” then maybe that would be a chance for you to say “How do you think you could do that? How would you go about it?” And just maybe a goal is born.
