Grief which occurs over the loss of something irreplaceable is one of the most intense, profound, and life altering feelings which exists. While the experience tends to be extreme for most individuals, there are certain factors which can make it particularly difficult for the gifted child.
Knowing how to properly assist our gifted children in making it through the experience of death, loss, and grief can have a lasting impact on their future.
Emotional Intensity of Gifted Children
It is well acknowledged that gifted children experience emotions quite intensely. It is supposed that their emotional lives share the same depth and intricacy which can be observed in their intellectual enthusiasm.
Just as the gifted child’s mind is quick to integrate topics; explore an issue down to its core; and debate itself over the truth of a matter, his or her emotions are likely to follow a similar modus operandi. What this means is that emotions are experienced more exquisitely, more deeply, and more tumultuously within the gifted child.
During the good times, the presence of intense emotions means that your gifted child can be observed as taking extreme pleasure over the smallest of things. The intensity and irrational nature of such emotions during grief, however, can often result in the gifted child resorting to extreme methods of coping.
The presence of such powerful, negative, emotions can intrude the logical mind of a gifted child, similarly to how a flashing “error!” message on a screen alerts us to a computer problem. The gifted child may frantically attempt to find ways to contain and alleviate this supposed malfunction of their normal, rational, existence.
Negative Consequences of Improper Approach
With any unpleasantly intense experience, it is human nature to seek to alleviate it. The drive toward homeostasis is a strong one, and can take charge in both the physical – and the psychological – realms.
The gifted child is often accustomed to relying on reason and calculation to guide thoughts and behaviors, and the intense emotional experience of grief can present the logical mind with an unsolvable dilemma. In response to the overwhelming and non-logical nature of emotions, a gifted child may simply shut them down.
While this can be considered a natural response, and necessary in order for the gifted child to function in the short term, allowing the emotional response to grief to be permanently silenced can have detrimental effects.
Studies have indicated that failure to properly process emotions can lead to:
- Physical illness
- Relationship difficulties
- Mental health disorders
Emotions of grief which are not addressed can later materialize in unhealthy ways, such as through:
- Misplaced anger
- Depression
- Anxiety
With the penalty of not learning to properly process emotions being so detrimental to their adult lives, assisting our gifted children toward productive grief processing during the earlier years can make a tremendous difference in their quality of life.
The best method toward assisting them is to model successful navigation of our own grief, as parents. Further techniques toward assistance are to allow space for your gifted child’s unique process to unfold, and to arm yourself with information to share.
Approach the Process With an Open Mind
Adequately responding to a gifted child who has compartmentalized the emotional experience of grief takes skill and awareness. The remarks of someone who is working to shut down intense emotions can be viewed as callous; inconsiderate; and inhumane. To those around who are actively experiencing the throes of grief, the gifted child can be prone to make comments which entirely invalidate the necessity of such.
If your gifted child makes statements which seem to make light of the tragedy or diminish the suffering of those affected, there is usually no call for alarm. It is simply a coping method for those who haven’t yet made peace with their emotional sides. If it helps, think of your gifted child as being like the old Spock character, during those moments (in the stages before he found his humanity!)
On the opposite end of the spectrum is the gifted child who is allowing the emotion of grief to be present, but who has absolutely no ideas about how to handle the experience. These types of gifted children may revert to the types of behaviors which you had assumed them to have grown out of, years ago. They may begin to throw temper tantrums, and over seemingly unrelated issues. They may socially withdraw, or become excessively argumentative.
A parent in this type of situation is encouraged to utilize guidance, rather than punishment, when redirecting the negative behaviors. Understanding that your gifted child is simply incapable, at this stage of development, of handling grief in a pro-social way can provide a parent with the patience to address the situation with tact.
Normalize the Experience Through Education
One of the first lessons that a gifted child would be well off to learn is that emotions have a biological basis, and are outside of conscious control. For a gifted child, who is accustomed to manipulating his or her reality through conscious application, this content of this lesson may be one of the hardest to accept.
In addition to a tendency to experience the emotion more drastically than a non-gifted individual, the gifted child will need to learn to concede to the fact that the unconscious response of grief does not give heed to rationale. He or she will not be able to simply will the emotions away for any, successful, length of time.
It is also important that both the child, and the parent, be aware of the general stages of grief. While the process is not linear, psychologists have discovered that there are certain milestones which need to be reached in order for a person to properly navigate the experience.
Arming your gifted children with the knowledge that these stages are normal and expected can provide them with enough intellectual basis for understanding their feelings of loss. For the gifted child, understanding the way that the world works can bring a great sense of peace.
