We live in a world where the accomplishments of high achievers are readily in the spotlight. The internet is filled with stories of those remarkable individuals making groundbreaking scientific discoveries; creating artistic masterpieces; and leading the world in new directions.
As the parent of a gifted child, it is tempting to view these achievements as a type of measuring stick for our own child’s future. This can tend to take the form of our going to great lengths to schedule our child into classes; activities; and rigorous academics. We can begin to insist on long hours of practice, and repeated sessions toward a goal perfection. We can end up pushing too hard.
What we fail to realize, in these scenarios, is that our idea of what our gifted child needs to do is often working counter-productively to what our child is designed to do. While most any child can show an increase in talent through repetition and rote memorization, the gifted child learns differently. In pushing our gifted child toward our own ideas of success, we may be suppressing his or her natural propensity. It is important to recognize the line between our encouragement toward greatness, and our imposition of mundanity.
Intrinsic and Extrinsic Motivation
In order to evaluate whether you are encouraging – or pushing – your gifted child toward success, it is useful to understand the primary drives behind motivation. Psychologists typically define our motivations as coming from two sources, either internal or external. From this concept arises the terms of instrinsic and extrinsic motivation. With intrinsic motivation, the child is the one seeking to gain the increase in knowledge and experience. With extrinsic motivation, the adult is the one in the driver’s seat.
Studies have shown that intrinsic motivation is strongly correlated with the state of being gifted. Gifted children are more likely to enjoy the actual process of learning, independently of directly enjoying the topics at hand. They will thrive on approaching challenging and novel tasks, with an attitude of curiosity and a desire for mastery. They gain pleasure from their experiences, and will seek them out on their own.
Also highlighted in such studies is the fact that the enjoyment that a gifted child experiences during intellectual pursuits is a conduit of continued enthusiasm toward learning. What this indicates is that, in the absence of enjoyment, the gifted child may lose that spark of ingenuity, and decide that productive and academic pursuits are not emotionally rewarding. It is in our best interest as parents, then, that we do not suppress our gifted child’s natural propensity toward achievement. This oppression of natural learning can occur when we do not properly recognize our child’s intrinsic motivations, and instead seek to impose our own, extrinsic, ideas of what should be taking place.
Signs of Pushy Parenting
It can be difficult to determine how much we are hurting, or helping, the process of our gifted child’s development. On one hand, we want to ensure that there is no potential that is wasted or overlooked. On the other hand, we want to inspire – and not frustrate – our little prodigy.
One of the most obvious signs that we are being pushy, as a parent, is the fact that we have not consulted with our child. Once our child is old enough to communicate – through words, or otherwise – he or she will be able to express where the intrinsic interests lie, and where they do not. Being mindful of the cues that our children give us in regard to their particular drives is a first step of ensuring that we are encouraging, and not insisting, upon their growth.
A second red-flag of pushy parenting is the utilization of guilt and fear as a motivator. Implementing a comparison list is a common way of letting this counterproductive tactic take root. When we compare our child’s behavior and achievements to those of others, we are attempting to motivate with guilt. When we issue messages of foreboding futures of wasted potential and missed opportunities, we are attempting to motivate with fear. Neither of these extrinsic motivations produce good, long-term, effects.
Effectively Challenging Your Gifted Children
The fact that our child is a tiny genius doesn’t eliminate the need for parental guidance. We, as parents, still play a very vital role in our child’s overall development. Unless your child intends to spend a lifetime in isolation – focused only on one area of interest – he or she still needs your parental input. The art of parenting a gifted child lies in presenting opportunities for your child to grow into adulthood as a well-rounded individual.
Just as a buffet of food offers diners the ability to pick and choose what best suits the palette, the vast amount of available knowledge and experience in our current world can be a smorgasbord of delight for the gifted child’s mind. And, just as you would not allow your child to choose only from the dessert section of the menu, parental responsibility dictates that our child must also learn the self-discipline that is required of adulthood. Not all of our life experiences can be expected to progress easily, and all children benefit from learning how to manage those aspects of life which do not flow so naturally.
In addition to providing our gifted child with a wide range of social, academic, athletic, and artistic experiences to explore, we are wise to set limits on how far we will insist upon continued participation. If our gifted child is prone toward enjoying scientific pursuits, peppering those experiences with a bit of athletics can be considered an exercise in our child’s development of self-discipline. If our child’s genius lies in painting, introducing a small amount of required daily math practice will ensure that other areas of the brain are stimulated. The key, however, is to not discourage our child through excessive focus on areas of his or her disinterest. In short, our own demonstration of flexibility in approach toward our gifted child’s education will be the best tactic toward encouraging their own, well-rounded, development.
